An Ape Wins Again
November 9th, 1864
You know, I feel as though I should be angrier right now. I feel as if I should be cursing the heavens, and vowing revenge for another thousandth or so time, promising to end his career or put a stop to his evil or something along those lines. Perhaps it is shock, or maybe it is hopelessness, or maybe the defeat is yet to sink in, but this is the first time in a lot of my major failures that I feel disappointed as opposed to an extreme wroth. He's won. For another time out of an uncountable amount, I have lost to Lincoln. This war shall continue, and I will continue to be dust in the wind that is American history. I suppose the American people have spoken; we just had one of, if not the, bloodiest battles in the history of this country at Gettysburg, and apparently they want more. I don't even know if I have words to describe the feelings I have right now, but it doesn't really make any matter. I've been defeated again, again, and again, and am all out of ideas as to how I'm going to preserve my pride. Perhaps I won't go down in the history books; perhaps I'll just be some forgotten general who wasn't good enough for the North, who's every major battle was a failure in the eyes of the Union. I grow weary of this country, and weary of trying to prove myself and restore my reputation to its former glory. I have a family to look over, a family that I've abandoned for too long while I've obsessed over trying to be remembered and be better than Lincoln. It's time, that for once in my life, I put someone Else's needs above my own and try to be a better person. Maybe I should take a break from this nation for a while; I'm sure that there are lovely spots to visit in Europe with my family, some place where I can get forget about my troubles for a while and just relax. Who knows, maybe I'll be appreciated over there more so than I am here! It makes no matter, the most important thing that I have to remember is to move on; I can't let these defeats eat away at my mind and body anymore. I've got to live my life in the present, and leave my past at the Seven Days battle, Antietam, and the election behind. It's time that I to devote all of my attention and care to my loved ones, Nelly, Mac, and Mary again. I'll be a greater father and husband, I promise.